Erdinger Weissbrau Weizen Kristall

Wooooo! Beer!  You love it.  I love it.  We both love it.  But I love it better.  I blog love beer.  And one of my favorite kind-a beers, my best go-to beers, is a German Reinheitsgebot compliant weissbrau.  If I see a new one on the shelf at the store, I must have it.  Because I love it, and it loves me.  So lets get to it!

Erdinger Weissbrau Weizen Kristall, 1pint 9 oz, 5.3% ABV, from Erding, Germany.  Straw yellow and foamy for a minute and a half.  It's real pretty.

First it looks good, then the familiar aroma shows up one step ahead of the beautiful cold malty sweet wonder that the Germans deliver so well.  A funny thing happens when you take that first sip; your day gets better.  A good beer can make a crap day, better.

This beer, it isn't special, not particularly.  But it is good.  I don't know how a Kristall is in any way different from a Hefeweizen, and, thankfully, I don't care right now.  I'm just enjoying how this (not particularly special) beer is making my day particularly special.  You know what I mean.  You love beer too.

I don't think I'd buy 6 of these.  Bringing some to a party also seems wrong somehow.  If I hadn't picked up this beer to blog about, I might never have given it anything more than a happy thought for 1 pint and 9oz of my time.  All the same, my experience with this beer is summed up in this blog, and the next time I see this beer at a store, it will take me back to this moment.  This not special but good beer will, for me, remain locked in this blog.  I won't buy it again.  I will see it, remember what it was like to drink it and write about it, smile, and be inspired to try something else new and unfamiliar.  Because, like you, I love beer.

Buffalo Bayou Brewing Co. Black Raz

A few months back, I was at Wright Bros. Brew and Brew killing some time.  They usually have one or two interesting and unique selections on their board, and that day they had a Chai Porter.  Seemed interesting, I gave it a shot.  It blew my feeble mind!  I had at times imagined a chai beer, even tried to brew my own once, but I was unsuccessful at realizing this chimera.  Buffalo Bayou, however (and despite being in Houston), managed to do the improbable.  So, I decided to try one of their other offerings today.  I make a lot of questionable decisions.

Fantastic art and a black wax neck on a 1 pint bottle.  The label yammers politely about raspberries, cherries, vanilla, and dark chocolate.  8% ABV.  Dark brown and mostly opaque.  No head to speak of (so we won't speak of it).

Instead, let us speak of bitter fruits and chocolate.  It is a famous combo and has a lot going for it.  Is it what you might call "beer appropriate", though?  I'm not so sure it is.  I take a sip and taste the ras-cherry.  It is bitter (IPA bitter).  Then the chocolate steps up, mellow and smooth (think Miles Davis).  I dunno if I would choose to drink an IPA while listening to Miles.  I think he deserves a heavy stout or a barrel aged porter.  But, then I take another sip and change my mind.  Suddenly it tastes great pretty good.  Then crap.  Then great.  Then lousy.  And now I'm just confused.

If there was a time for this phrase, now is it: This beer is some tasty shit.  It is seriously either a decent good beer, or mediocre crap.  I think it's both.

I say that, but... I'm almost through with this bottle.  Pouring and drinking.  Sipping and writing.  I guess that I just don't know.  Is this what a challenging beer tastes like?

"I guess that I just don't know."

~V. Underground & J. Dodson

You should go buy a bottle and give it a swill.  Let me know if you think it's decent, because I'm confused.  Is this a good beer?

The bottle is pretty cool, though.  I like the wax, especially.

De Proef Brouwerij Saison Imperiale Belgian Farmhouse Ale

So, I hear this story about how farmhouse saison ales were originally made to give to the field hands as part of their pay.  You know, hot day, long hours, give 'em a bucket of beer, pay 'em, and everyone is happy.  That sounds like a good deal to me.  I wish I got a bucket of beer at the end of my work day.  I do question how much beer farmers had on hand, though.  Even if you're just hiring 5 or 6 folks to slap your rutabagas, it takes a hell of a stash of beer to give out 5 or 6 buckets of it a day, every day, each rutabaga slapping season.  So, maybe the story I heard is kinda bullshit.  Who knows?

Come to think of it, who cares?  Why do I give a rutabaga slap about why this beer was made when I could just be drinking it?

From the Brewmaster Collection, De Proef Brouwerij Saison Imperiale Belgian Farmhouse Ale, from Lochristi, Belgium.  750ml bottle.  8.5% ABV.  Slightly cloudy, darkish brown caramel color, solid head, and bottled up with a hugely obnoxious synthetic cork that does NOT want to exit the bottle.

I like it.  It's rich and flavorful, with lots of sweet malt, honey, some herbalness, and a present (but not excessive) hops.  Most saisons, and most farmhouse ales, are hopped to rat-shit hell.  This one shows restraint.  This one recognizes that not everyone want to have a nettle and beer-salad.

Omar says it is "kinda bland, not real note-worthy" and the head died too quick for his taste.  Omar don't take no shit off'a no beer.

Maybe he's right.  I was looking forward to trashing a farmhouse saison, but,with this one, I can't.  For a traditionally big beer, this is pretty small, so there isn't much to get worked up about.  It's like the beer is teasing me or trying to lure me in.  This beer is a trap!

OK, the movies say that the first step in avoiding a trap is knowing it exists.  I gotta tread carefully with this beer.  First I'll establish trust and diffuse the situation with my smarm.  Wow! What a boffo beer!  I really like it.  It isn't wimpy or a shameful representation of its pedigree at all.  Next, I'll distract it.  Look over there! It's Batman... and he's got a great pair of tits!  Finally, the for the home stretch, I'll make sure it can never trap anyone else ever again.  By drinking it.

That's the funny thing about trying new beers: you're taking a big risk.  Maybe you'll get lucky and have a fantastic new brew to slug down, or maybe the beer will be a depraved bottle of pure evil.  You can't know until you try.

This is why beer-drinking is the greatest and most dangerous of all adventures.  Mountain climbers know how their mountain is shaped and can plan their routes.  Explorers can study maps and encyclopedias for months before ever leaving their living rooms.  Astronauts have teams of great minds planning for every possible problem they might encounter.  But we beer drinkers, we hoppy few, we fans of brewers, we are the only true adventurers left.  What starts out as payment for murdering vegetables can eventually become a deceitful bottle of sweet malty lies.  Could NASA's wizards have foretold that?

Meanwhile, we sober on.  One bottle to the next.  We are adventurers, we are farmers, we are drinkers, one and all.

Strange Land Brewery Atholl Brose Scotch Ale

Well, holy shit, that's a good beer.  It's sweet and malty.  It chews back at you like you were making out with a starving hyena.  It comes in a big damn bottle, so there's plenty more.  Nice friggin' work, whoever-the-hell Strange Land Brewery is!

OK, so look at this picture over here.  Burn the label art into your memory banks, hard drives, cloud servers, and gelatinous meat-brains.  Now go buy some.  Then drink it.

Assuming you followed my instructions, you are now a much happier person.  A happier person who is currently enjoying a bouquet of fancy flavors like fresh bread, sweet honey, caramel, raisins, and fuckin' good beer.

Here are a few fact about this beer and how much I give damn about each of them: my bottle came from batch #2 (I don't give a shit), it is bottle conditioned (more fun than being gassed, but I don't care), it derives its name from a whiskey which derives its name from when the Earl of Atholl poisoned a well (OK, I actually think that is pretty cool, but it has nothing to do with enjoying this beer), it registers a fancy 16 IBUs (part of my brain just hanged itself out of boredom), 8.9% ABV (good to know, but not impressive enough of a number to make me care), and it says it is "hand crafted" (... just fuck that guy, to whoever spawned that bullshit phrase).  I hope you learned something about this beer from those facts, and I hope you learned something about skipping the trivia and just drinking the damn beer, too.  Drinking beer is a good thing, maybe the best of things.

I'm two glasses into this beast of a 22oz bottle, and the going is getting rough.  Sure, I've had four beer earlier today, but not within the last hour.  Yes, I ate a big tasty cheeseburger and fries for dinner.  Certainly I'm feeling shooting pains down my arm.  Dammit, I'm short of breath.  And, of course, I'm dizzy and nauseous.  But, none of that is important right now.  The most important thing right now is to keep drinking my tasty tasty beer. It is a struggle, but I'll stiffen my lip, gird my loins, stand up straight, clutch my chest, and soldier right on down to the bottom of this glass!  It's gonna be a long trip though.

As good as this beer is, and despite my normal position that a good beer should be horded, this would be a great bottle to share with a friend.  You'll both have plenty of tasty drinky-booze but not enough to land you in the cardiac wing.  It would be great shared between two people on a comfy couch watching some baaaaad asssssss blacksploitation cinema or a grainy kung-fu, Shaw Brothers epic.  Try it, you'll see.

This beer has balls, but it also has class.  If you've been jonesing to swallow some classy balls then this is just the thing for you.  So, go on, get out of here.  Have some fun.  Drink too much.  Take a cab to the bedroom and watch the world spin.  Do me a favor, though: when you're drunk and talking too loud, don't turn to a stranger near you and slur loudly, "Atholl Brose".  I like your nose just fine the way it is now.

Big Bend Hefeweizen

Outdoor drinking has two very important components: booze and dedication. You need the booze to have something to drink, obviously. But you need the dedication to get you through the compromises you will need to make.

I have chosen Big Bend Hefeweizen as my booze today. It looked light, flavorful, refreshing, and thoroughly Texan. Also, I thought it might make for a decent supplemental beer blog. It's 5.5% ABV, comes in a pleasing looking can, and spews some "Hurray! Texas!" crap that is always fun to read. It's chewier and creamier than I thought it would be (or should be), but has an overall pleasing taste. If they'd called it a cream ale I would have no complaints. But in general, I'm happy to drink it. Outdoors. Because I have dedication, dammit!

The compromises of outdoor drinking are serious. How much comfort are you willing to sacrifice? Can you carry as much as you want to drink? How warm is cold enough for your booze? What is your plan when you have to pee? Can you deal with sunscreen sweat mixing with your drink? Ants? Fucking Ants?! You'll almost certainly need non-booze hydration, and that's going to affect your hard-earned buzz. I don't know what your limits are, but here is how I packed to go to Blues On the Green with a few other folks:

1 large insulated shopping bag 1 smaller insulated shopping bag
1 pocket sunscreen
1 collapsible chair and carry bag
1 bag lime ranch chips
6 pack Big Bend Hefeweizen
6 pack diet Dr. Pepper (beer calories only)
500 ml Rex-Goliath box chardonnay
1 liter bottle water
1 extra bag for empties and other trash

The chilled liquids go in the smaller bag, which Russian nesting-dolls into the larger bag along with the chips. No ice! Not only would ice add weight, but would also result in needing to dry out my grocery bags once the condensation puddles. The pocket sunscreen goes in a pocket. One bag and one folding chair are portable enough to get me to a shady spot comfortably, even with cane taking up my other hand. The chair folds out. The shoes come off. A beer is cracked. Sunscreen if you're pale. And begin.

Buffalo Bayou Brewing Co., 1836 A Copper Ale

"If you have to ask what 1836 stands for, please put down this beer and leave our country."

This Houstonian beer has a request.  You probably read what that request is.  I wrote it down, in bold and italics, centered, as the first line of this week's beer blog.  It's right up there at the top.  Go read it again.

So, what does 1836 stand for?  If you aren't sure, don't know, or know exactly what the fuck it stands for, then you are probably right.  I looked it up*.  Let me just say this: whatever you think or don't know at all, more than one thing happened that year.

I'll go into details at the end of the blog, but first, let's all raise a glass to the hopes of one day razing Houston (the city that shares a slogan with Bruges) to the ground.  If you toasted that disgusting swamp with this 1836, then you already know that you are holding 12oz of 5.7% ABV of "handcrafted" (whatever that means) ale from the good people at Buffalo Bayou Brewing Co.  And you also know that it isn't half bad.

This is a very clean beer.  While mostly balanced, and certainly with a solid malty chewiness, the flavor finishes towards a slightly citrus-y and mildly bitter hoppiness.  There are no frills, no bells or whistles.  Excitement and exceptionalism aren't the point of this beer.  This a beer for a beer drinker, and the aficionados can go to hell.  I'd drink this in a bar with my friends, and I'd be having a good time doing it.

One glass in, and no signs of slowing down.  I was worried the malt might get heavy, or the hop finish might turn my sour stomach, but, no.  I think I need a six of this in the fridge.  I'm glad that I'm drinking this Hoth-cold.  It seems right.  I don't think this a beer that would still work as it warms up.

Hey!  Ben Mallott's Shotgun Suzy just came on, and it might be just the perfect pace and tone to fully enjoy the 1836.  Go find it**, crack a can, pour, sit, sip, and listen.  I think you'll agree that your life is now a slight, but important bit better.  See if your local beer DJ can't hook you up.

But, back to the elephant on the label: 1836.  Did you think of the Alamo?  How about Texas independence from Mexico (because fuck you, Mexico, with your sovereignty and slaveless-ness)?  Did you perhaps conjure images of Charles Darwin and the Beagle returning to Englad?  Well, I don't know what this can was thinking specifically, but it has an old-time-y looking map and a fringed-sleeved arm lofting a rifle, so probably either the Alamo or Texas independence.  For the sake of shitting in Buffalo Bayou's breakfast cereal (for the crime of lacking specificity), here is a short list of some of the notable events of 1836:

Jan 5th - Davy Crockett arrives in Texas, just in time for the Alamo
Feb 23rd - Alamo besieged for 13 days until 6th March by Mexican army under General Santa Anna; entire garrison eventually killed
Feb 25th - Samuel Colt patents 1st revolving barrel multishot firearm
Mar 2nd - Republic of Texas declares independence from Mexico in Columbia
Mar 5th - Samuel Colt manufactures 1st pistol, 34-caliber "Texas" model
Mar 6th - Battle of the Alamo: after 13 days of fighting 1,500-3,000 Mexicans overwhelm the Texans at the Alamo, killing 182-257 Texans including William Travis, Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett
Mar 16th - Texas approves a constitution
Mar 17th - Texas abolishes slavery
Apr 14th - Congress forms Territory of Wisconsin
Apr 20th - Territory of Wisconsin created
Apr 21st - Battle of San Jacinto, in which Texas wins independence from Mexico
Jun 15th - Arkansas becomes 25th state of the Union
Jul 4th - Wisconsin Territory forms
Aug 30th - The city of Houston is founded by Augustus Chapman Allen and John Kirby Allen
Sep 5th - Sam Houston elected president of Republic of Texas
Oct 2nd - Darwin returns to England aboard HMS Beagle (after 5 years)
Oct 22nd - Sam Houston inaugurated as 1st elected pres of Republic of Texas
Dec 7th - Martin Van Buren elected 8th president
Dec 14th - The Toledo War unofficially ends.
Dec 28th - Spain recognizes independence of Mexico
Dec 30th - Lehman Theater in St Petersburg catches fire; 100s die

Did you guess right?  Do you have to put down your beer and leave the country?  Either way, Houston sucks and you don't have to do anything they tell you to.  But do try the beer because I tell you to.  S'good beer.

*Googled it

**https://youtu.be/h1JMp0_Yjvs This is not the best recording, so go buy the album you pirate!

Magic Hat Stealin' Time Summer Wheat while watching Alien3

What happens when you combine Magic Hat's Stealin' Time summer wheat ale with a few hours watching Aline3?

It wasn't the best Alien movie.  It isn't the best beer.  But I have an evening to myself and nothing to do but write about beer.  So, I started the movie and cracked my first beer.

The beer was cold when Newt and Hicks died.  By the time Ripley woke up and the dog was clearly going to be in trouble, the bottle had started to sweat.  When the bodies started dropping the crispness of the cold wheat beer was cutting through the heavy handed set designs and color palettes, No beer will ever be enjoyable when a dog is killed (theatrical or not, that was a cute rottweiler).  And by the cafeteria scene I was on beer number 2.

Like I said, this isn't the best beer ever, but it is a good beer.  Pretty much everything Magic Hat puts out is good.  They do some excellent work and keep up a fun and light-hearted corporate nature.  This particular beer is a quality wheat beer.  Do you like wheat beer? If so, you'll like this one just fine.  You won't write home about it.  You won't taste the  tears of god in it.  You certainly won't need a change of pants after drinking it.  But, you'll like it just fine.

And similarly, the movie sure ain't getting a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes (it has a 44%).  The plot is half-assed and regurgitated.  Two thirds of the cast the fans wanted died before the opening credits rolled.  People keep on making fucking speeches and speeches and more goddam speeches. The only real saving grace for the cast that is in this movie is that most of them die horribly.  But, there are some decent performances.  The set design and photography is pretty good.  The whole thing would make a great Doctor Who episode (with barely any rewrites needed, just a few name changes).  Alien3, for all its many faults isn't totally without merit or entertainment value.

You know, by beer three, it's really easy to get into this flick.  I care about how viciously the xenomorph will demolish this prisoners.  And now that the company men are on scene, I want to down this beer to make sure I have a very cold, very crisp beer for when they get theirs'.  Oh, how I hope they get theirs'.

Beer says "F' yeah! Bishop!"  But, human Bishop is bad.  He's a bad bad man.  Magic Hat and Ripley don't trust human Bishop.  Aw, snap!  Human Bishop is a dirty company-man, a repulsive

hold on, need a new beer...

Anyway, he's a shit and Ripley just Terminator 2'd herself.  Perfect form too.  So, yeah... fluff Weyland/Yutani and their bio-weapons division.  And, fluff me, I drank a few beers and have to pee.

That movie mostly sucked, but the beer was mostly good.  I'm going to rename this beer Wastin' Time, because "stealin'", my ass.  This is a time wastin' beer.  I'm glad I wasted time with it, and you will be too.  Go for the 6-pack.