To Ol By Udder Means American-Style Stout

OK, let me get this out of the way first thing, this beer is from To Ol (that's the "O" with the slash through it) De Proef Brouwerij, Lochristi-Hijfte, Belguim.  I know that looks like a random collection of letters, but it is really the name of some made up place called "Belgium".

The magical land of "Belgium" has a rich and storied history of having no idea what the fuck makes something an "American-Style" stout.  Now that I mention it, I also have no idea what makes a stout become "American-Style".  Maybe it's being made by Belgians, because I've never heard of it here.

Let's assume, wrongly, that the Belgies know what they're doing.  An "American-Style" stout must smell like hops, roasted malt, yeast, and dirty dirty swannish lies.  DAMN YOU BELGIUM, DAMN YOUR LIES!!!

7% ABV, probably true.
Imported? Yes.  From Belgium? Likely one of those alcoves I've heard so much about.
By Udder Means? I just don't even know what that means.

This beer is a mess.  It tastes pretty good, but that's not what's important right now.  The important thing is that, WTF Belgium?  Nothing about this bottle makes a damn lick of sense (except the beer).  The bottle has a disgusting picture of froth in floamish black and white, two actually, there is an icon of two beer bottles on the bottle, it's called "To Ol" (with a slash through the second "O"), the name is... I don't even know what the hell is up with the name, By Udder Means, and, and... and jebus I need a beer.

Look at this abomination.

Vomitous.

Nice frothy head on the beer, though.  Lasts for several satisfying gulps, too.  It has a rich and malty flavor, if a bit overly metallic at the end.  It lingers on the tongue and develops into a floral and light sublimation.  Not that any of that has a place in this beer review.  I mean, look at that hideous label art!  I hoped they flushed after they took the picture.

So, never buy this beer.  Don't seek it out.  If you happen to cross its path, for god's sake don't look directly at it.  Don't feed it after midnight, Don't expose it to light, Don't travel to its country of origin, and see their beautiful swans and canals.  If you do, don't eat the chocolate and stay away from Koningid Astrid Park.  Do try the ketamine and prostitutes, though.