Thor's Hammer Barley Wine Ale

"It smells like fruit." comments Diego
"Rancid Fruit ass." retorts Omar
"Carbonation OK, thick, good viscosity, tastes exactly like it smell, rancid fruit ass.  the aftertaste makes me thing I swallowed a fart!  Minda's gonna be pissed if I go home and kiss her with this mouth." ~ Diego
"More like Ass Hammer" ~ Omar
"It's Thomas' son's fault" ~Diego
"The only Esther I know is an anal retentive ginger who is into DAvid Bowie"
"The only Esther I know makes tacos."
"This clearly tastes like ass hammer that went through the sewer"
"I'd rather have joey shit in my mouth than drink this."
Now I owe Diego for mouth raping his beer face after a day of foreplay.
Worse than the watered down Guinness we had at the theater.
Goddamit, I hate this beer, After these a-holes all I can taste is fruit ass.
"Second to last thing we had was 13%, the last was 7.5% and the people next to us were a couple of Spanish folks." I couldn't hear the lisp, but Diego did.
Central City Brewers and Distillers, it's a fukkin' Canadian Beer, said Omar as he lost his shit.
They might kill me.
It had three golden balls, like James Bond's family crest! and rightfully so.  Balls!
Goddam Kanadian Beer.
"Might as well have a canuk stick his dick in my mouth."
"Doesn't taste like maple syrup." ~The Maple Avenger
"I should just brush my teeth with a curling broom." ~Omar
Diego is way ahead in drinkin', cause the Mexican in him won't let him leave a glass unfinished.  He's a chump.  We been drinkin' all day.
And now we're talking about gothic horror and Crimson Peak.  The word is that it's classic Guillermo Del Torro, beautifully crafted and poorly written.  The Alamo beer sucks, but the Mondo glass is cool.
It's a long way to the end of this glass, Diego says that is because it's a shitty beer.
And it is a shitty beer.
It is rich and full and very alcoholic (11.5% ABV), but it is blech lame.
It is too sweet.
It is too fruity.
It should have been mead if they were gonna call it "Thor's Hammer".  Those guys fucked me pretty.  Well, fuck them too!
I hate you, Thor's Hammer!
We will fight and I must break you like Drago broke Apollo Creed!  I MUST BREAK YOU!
They blame me.
They think I did this to them on purpose!
Omar and Diego are plotting against me.
They say I don't feed the cats, but I fee the shit out of these goddam cats!  They're fukkin elderly!  That's why they drool and shed all the time.  It's not me, it's just fate.
I hate my friends.  I will destroy them.  I made them drink bad beer and now they fear me.  You fear me too.
We have yet to get through one glass of this horse shit and it sucks sucks sucks.
Drink it and share our pain!
Diego finished his...
do you dare be half the man Diego is?  I don't.

Samuel Adams Honey Queen Braggot

I think we can all agree that Samuel Adams beers have had their day in the sun of craft brewing but are now fully part of the big beer establishment.  That's not say that there is anything wrong with a cold Sammy-A, they're usually just fine, not that I'm gonna grab a cold six any time soon.  So, yeah... I'm kind of surprised to see anything from Sam Adams in this blog.

Here's what happened: I was at the store, minding my own business, slobbering over the beer section at my local, when suddenly I see this weird bee-chick who is either calling me a, or identifying herself as, a "Braggot".  I don't know what I, or she, did to deserve this insult, but I do know that I would have spelled it "braggart".  Being so insulted and misspelled, I purchased this (*gasp*) Samuel Adams beer.  What choice did I have?

The label has all this bee-stuff on it, and a saucy lady giving me a "come hither" look (but she's covered in bees, so that's not gonna happen).  I like the wacky "Honey Queen" name.  The art is fun.  The back of the label has some words in a pleasing font.  All that stuff is pretty great.  So, Sam Adams name aside, I'm thinking this could be a fun beer.

Also, I looked it up, and, according to the internets, a "braggot" isn't an insult or a typo.  Who knew?

You'll never guess what this Honey Queen beer tastes like.  Go on, try.  Wrong! It tastes like honey.  A shit-load of honey.  Somewhere, there must be a field of small eviscerated plastic bears, because, wow, honey.  In fact, if I was the kind of guy who really talked himself up and commented often about my superiority, I might say my better-than-average sense of taste tells me that this stuff is like half beer and half mead.  I might point out how I, and I alone, can pick up on the distinct honey-up-front, beer-at-the-rear combo act of flavor.  That's just the kind of thing a braggot might do.  Lot's of honey, followed by beer, is all I'm sayin'.

It's pretty tasty, too.  A bit candy-sweet for my taste, but not at all bad.  I think I might have preferred just a 12oz bottle.  1 pint 6oz is a long way to the bottom for something this syrupy and rich.  I can see the broader appeal, and I'm sure many people will enjoy the crap out of this, but I think I'm gonna need some tums or something in a bit.  I am, as you know, a delicate flower.  At this moment, I am a delicate flower that is reminded why I prefer malt sugars to honey sugars.  Malt sugars aren't candy-like.  So, while I certainly like this braggot, I would really rather have a stout.

Personal tastes aside, I feel that I owe Samuel Adams, and, by extension, the Samuel Adams Brewery (a.k.a Boston Beer Co.), a nod for taking a risk, and making something that is far more interesting than it is marketable.  Way to go, you corporate beer shills, you really grew a pair with this and took back a cup-full of your Boston pride.  So what if it won't fly off the shelves, or start a new craze, you tried something different.  I'm proud of you.

But, I'm still not going to buy a six pack of your beers or one of your hoighty-toighty glasses.  I've got my pride too.

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale

I really hate pumpkin beverage season.  It is that part of the year when America yanks down it's pants and shines a pale moon on decency and taste.  Sadly, it feels more and more like I'm one of the few reasonable people left who didn't drink the pumpkin spice kool-aid.  The good folks at Dogfish Head, who's experimental beers have been both an inspiration and a disappointment, have put on their paper pants, shaved their heads and pledged their souls to the goddam gourd.  Hope is dead.

This week's beer combines the pumpkin I despise and the brewery I respect but don't like, Dogfish Head Pumpkin Ale.  I figured, why not kill myself with two birds while getting stoned.  Flawless plan, right?

So, here is how I screwed up my plan: I liked the beer.

Yeah, for seriously. Punkin Ale is a far cry from the best beer I've ever had (I miss you, Fifty/Fifty), but, dammit, it was just fine.  I might even say it was, amazingly, not bad.  The "punkin" is understated enough not to get my heckles in an upright and locked position.  The "ale" was mild, reasonable, and restrained, unusual in a Dogfish Head.  Combine those two and you have a drinkable, interesting, not hateful, beer.  You won't run back out for a six-pack, but you won't vomit a little in your mouth either.

When I realized I was kinda enjoying a pumpkin beer, then I threw up a little in my mouth.  A gastric expression of the shame I felt, tempered only by my ability to keep my mouth shut.  What do I do next?  I go and write a blog about it.  You're disappointed in me.  I'm disappointed in me.  Nobody is happy with the way this beer drinkin' turned out.  I was looking forward to drinking pumpkin-piss beer and spitting vitriol.  It seems that the hated seasonal squash and Dogfish Head Brewery have teamed up to rob me of my hate.  I finished the beer.  Maybe I even allowed myself to enjoy it for a second.  Now I feel 12 oz emptier, with a beer-size hole in my heart where my hate should have been.

Save yourselves from this existential nightmare, this fall stay away from all things liquid pumpkin, don't make my mistakes.