Saint Arnold Brewing Co., Icon Amarillo Hefe

Hey! You want a nice clean and pleasant beer?  Then go grab the hell out of this Icon Amarillo Hefe.  It's like drinking a beer flavored air conditioner, and who hasn't dreamed of doing that?

This bottle of cool beauty has a number of things going for it.  First off, the label is slick as shit.  Matte black with green foil, damn.  Secondly, there is some stupid shit printed on the under-side of the cap.  I think it said, "What's cooking?" or "What's brewing?" or some dumb shit, but, still, it's fun to find a little bottle cap note.  Third, it tastes great.  It was more fun to drink it out of a glass but the same taste-joy can be achieved straight from the bottle (if pretentiousness isn't your thing).  Finally, and this is in many ways a generic claim, if you say "Diet" before "Amarillo Hefe" is has fewer calories.  That last one is a lie, but it is totally true.  I'm digging this beer.

Seriously.  Look at that beautiful bottle.  So dark, so mysterious, so full of promise.  Often a good looking bottle is just a last ditch effort to make a bad beer more marketable (I'm looking at you, Shiner Blonde).  But they just did this beer up proper, soup to nuts.

It has this rich malty flavor, with a nice chewiness, without being overly heavy, and maintaining a light but layered flavor.  It smells a bit like summer, but the hops just sings harmony.  It's like they wanted to step back from the trend of going balls-out in one direction or the other, malty or hoppy, and really put in the effort to make a balanced beer, a good beer.  Who knew Houston could produce anything but horrible shit?

Houston, which has taken to much precious from us all and returned nothing but filth and hate, has finally produced something the rest of the world can approve of, or, dare I say, can even like.  All it took to begin to redeem Houston was Amarillo.

Drink the beer.  You'll enjoy it.  Or, if you don't enjoy it, you are un-American, and the ghost of Senator McCarthy will wait for you under your bed.

Smuttynose S'Muttonator Double Bock

A ram and a baby seal walk into a glass... no, wait... I screwed it up.

Rams are funny lookin', baby seals make me want to join a club, and a double bock makes me want to drink.  Combine all three and you have yourself a beer!  OK, just the last one means you have a beer, but the ram and seal don't hurt. Trust me, I've checked.  Plus, the ram has this silly smushed-back face and a tail that looks suspiciously like the artist got away with painting a dick on the label (way to go, that person).  I can't be certain, but the seal looks like he just watched the artist get away with this exposure, too.  That seal knows, man.  He knows.

This week I'm downing a Smuttynose Brewing Company (from Hampton, NH) double bock delightfully called, S'Muttonator!  Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnn...  It has a hefty 9.5% ABV, and comes in a 1pint 6oz (750ml) bottle.  It is a dark honey amber with not much frothy-froth.  But with an ABV like that, who cares about the froth, or who cares for long?  Go get your lampshade and warm up your Danny Boy, this could get ugly.

The first taste is a slap full of heavy damn malt. Ker-blammers!  This must be some kind of dare.  A case of these might create a singularity if you left it unattended in Hollywood.  It would star Nick Cage and John Belushi's hologram.  But I digress.  But for a good reason: this tastes just like a heavy, malty, German ale.  Seriously, that is it.  No surprises, no frills.  Picture it, tasting it in your mind's drunkard.  Yup, that's it.  It is good, and I like drinking it, but it has nothing unexpected to offer.  Which is not a bad thing.  I'm a beer drinker.  I like beer.  I like it when my beer tastes like beer, and for a reason.  That reason is that I like beer.  So, thumbs up, Smuttynose.  You have crafted a mighty good, mighty heavy, mighty malty beer, that tastes like a beer's beer.

Let me talk about this notion of a beer's beer.  I will talk about it through the lens of my second glass.  There are some things a beer drinker might presume to be present in a beer of this sort: an acidic and malty nose, a mild tartness to the taste of grains, a mellow yeastiness contrasted by a sharp alcohol and caramel after-tastes.  It is a basic and unsurprising description.  It is a description of an ale, golden to amber in color, with a reasonable booze to it. In that way, I say it is a "beer's beer."  Please don't misunderstand me, this is good beer, just not surprising beer.  S'Muttonator represents a solid and well executed double bock.

So, you know, try it, if the mood strikes you.  You can guess what you will get.  You will be right.  And that is not a bad thing.  I like it.  I'd go on, but I think I'm kinda drunkish.

Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer

Mouthful.  In the quaint parlance of the 90's, this beer is a mouthful "to the max".  Word up, people.

Mouthful #1, the name: Aecht Schlenkerla Urbock, or Aecht Schlenferla Rauchbier <ges. gesch> Urbock, or Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer.  I have no idea what this beer is called.  It really could be any of several German things written on the label, or all of them. I don't speak German, but I do drink it.  When I drink this, it is still a mouthful.

As I stated, this beer is likely called Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer (google tranlsate has no friggin idea what any of it means, except that "Rauchbier" means "smokebeer"), comes in a 1 pint bottle, 6.5%ABV, brewed and bottled in Bamberg, Germany.  It is a dark, semi-opaque amber, and has just a little lingering foam after a minute.

The label is the kind of horrible shit you would expect to see on a sign at an Oktoberfest booth (in Texas).  In an earlier blog I confessed my love of old parchment and what not, but here we see a prime example of not to do parchment and scroll.  With its overly manuscript-y type and half-assed curled page, I feel like the designer barely contained their contempt for the eventual viewer.  Most of the words on the front label dissolve into a puddle of unidentifiable letters and lines, shoe-horned onto a bad stage-prop.  I cannot disparage this label enough.  As a beer-drinker, I'm offended.  As a designer, I'm outraged.  There is even a strange "Yay, Drunkie" wax seal that seems to say, "The Choice of Hobo Tramps Everywhere".  And, really, what the hell is the name of this beer?

There ends the problems I have with this beer,and brings me to Mouthful #2.  Sweet Jesus, this beer is good.  Finger-lickin' good.  Smokey, dark, malty, nutty, dense,... Leave it to the Germans: this beer is the real deal.  In addition to the usual photo of the bottle and pour, I have included a second photo.  Scroll down and see my dog Tofu.  She is necessary to this review, because this is the kind of beer you have to drink with your dog.  If you have a dog, you probably know what I mean.  If you don't have a dog, go buy this beer, take a sip, then go rent a dog, and try the beer again.  You'll understand.  This beer is so rich of an experience, you need to have a quite drink, just you and your dog, to fully appreciate all it has to offer.  Don't drink this at a bar, with friends, or in a well-lit room.  Wait for sunset, pour your glass, get your dog, settle in on your front step, and take a drink while scratching your dog's ear.  I promise, you will sip the very essence of a beautiful moment.  My dog looks shy in the picture because she is naked, not because the beer isn't wonderful.

Second glass is poured.  I want to evaluate the flavors as they happen, but I don't know that when I take that sip, I will be able to care.  I like drinking this beer.  I don't want to over-think it, just live it.  Stream of consciousness it is!  smoke, cold-fizz, camp fires, woods, pecans, sleeping in a hammock, steak, bar-b-que.

That is it!  Liquid bar-b-que.  I realize that sounds disgusting.  Drink the beer anyway, and be connect with all things manly.  This beer could be a lumberjack.  If it was a different color, it would be plaid, on flannel.  Buy this beer, rent a dog, watch the sun set, reconnect with something necessary in all our lives.  Just don't look at the label.