903 The Land of Milk and Honey

One of the perfect tests of the quality of a beer is how enjoyable it is while playing with your dog.  It is sunny and beautiful out today, I have a new and exciting beer to try, and my dog has a new toy that she loves.

Meet 903 Brewers The Land of Milk and Honey, a golden stout made with lactose and local honey from Sherman, Texas.  I'd never heard of a "golden stout" before, so I was intrigued when I saw this one winking at me from the shelf at my local.  I'd also never heard of 903 Brewers or Sherman, Texas either. 

This guy is mmmmmaaaaaaaalllllty and golden.  Chewy with a sharpness and sweetness you don't expect.  They nailed it with the name, The Land of Milk and Honey.  I've monkey'd around with adding lactose and honey to beers before, and it was a touchy process, easy to get wrong.  903 got it right.  This is a tasty tasty beer.  I'd buy a sixer and kick all my friends out so they couldn't have any.  I'm sold, you're sold, everybody now agrees: this is a solid booze.  You heard it here first, from my can to your eyes.

"Sure, it's a good beer," you say, "but how good is it when you're playing with your dog?"

Best Dog Ever

That's the real question before us today.  I'll address this by breaking the question down into its constituent parts: Does it slow you down?  How's the can feel in your hand while your dog scrabbles at a large hard plastic ball?  Does spilling a bit make you feel worse than playing with a dog makes you feel good?  Is it too hot out to be hopping around drinking a creamy sweet stout?  Why is this dog sooooo much better than every other dog?

I can say with some certainty that drinking this beer while kicking a ball around with my dog does not slow me down in any way.  As an out-and-proud Hobbled-American, I would have a hard time moving any slower than is my standard speed, which is glacial.  With the generous application of beer, however, and the predatory happy eyes of a puppy about to play, I was definitely moving at a far greater clip than normal.  I was emboldened by the booze, and prompted by the puppy.  I flew like a stumbling awkward wind, flitting from left leg to left leg, flopping in a carmagnole of clownish physicality.  So, I got that going for me.  The beer passes the first test.

The can has a good hand-feel.  The aluminum is pliable and firm.  These qualities allowed be to tighten or loosen my grip as needed.  Tighter for when the dog got crafty and tried to run the ball around my feet.  Looser for when I wanted to take a sip of the delicious nectar, tipping it back and up to my face, making me look awesome (like a Diet Coke commercial).  I enjoy this can, it works as a supple skin containing and freeing my sweet sweet beer, shepherding it along its journey to mah belly.  Pass!

As to the third question: I don't spill beer.  Also, by dog makes me infinitely happy.  Pass (by default).

71 degrees and partly cloudy.  The beer came straight from the fridge.  The dog was room temperature.  The ball was cool at first, but later warmed with the sun and doggy drool.  It all worked out just fine. Pass!

Finally, the dog is best because she is Tofu, and she is mighty!

Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer

Mouthful.  In the quaint parlance of the 90's, this beer is a mouthful "to the max".  Word up, people.

Mouthful #1, the name: Aecht Schlenkerla Urbock, or Aecht Schlenferla Rauchbier <ges. gesch> Urbock, or Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer.  I have no idea what this beer is called.  It really could be any of several German things written on the label, or all of them. I don't speak German, but I do drink it.  When I drink this, it is still a mouthful.

As I stated, this beer is likely called Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer (google tranlsate has no friggin idea what any of it means, except that "Rauchbier" means "smokebeer"), comes in a 1 pint bottle, 6.5%ABV, brewed and bottled in Bamberg, Germany.  It is a dark, semi-opaque amber, and has just a little lingering foam after a minute.

The label is the kind of horrible shit you would expect to see on a sign at an Oktoberfest booth (in Texas).  In an earlier blog I confessed my love of old parchment and what not, but here we see a prime example of not to do parchment and scroll.  With its overly manuscript-y type and half-assed curled page, I feel like the designer barely contained their contempt for the eventual viewer.  Most of the words on the front label dissolve into a puddle of unidentifiable letters and lines, shoe-horned onto a bad stage-prop.  I cannot disparage this label enough.  As a beer-drinker, I'm offended.  As a designer, I'm outraged.  There is even a strange "Yay, Drunkie" wax seal that seems to say, "The Choice of Hobo Tramps Everywhere".  And, really, what the hell is the name of this beer?

There ends the problems I have with this beer,and brings me to Mouthful #2.  Sweet Jesus, this beer is good.  Finger-lickin' good.  Smokey, dark, malty, nutty, dense,... Leave it to the Germans: this beer is the real deal.  In addition to the usual photo of the bottle and pour, I have included a second photo.  Scroll down and see my dog Tofu.  She is necessary to this review, because this is the kind of beer you have to drink with your dog.  If you have a dog, you probably know what I mean.  If you don't have a dog, go buy this beer, take a sip, then go rent a dog, and try the beer again.  You'll understand.  This beer is so rich of an experience, you need to have a quite drink, just you and your dog, to fully appreciate all it has to offer.  Don't drink this at a bar, with friends, or in a well-lit room.  Wait for sunset, pour your glass, get your dog, settle in on your front step, and take a drink while scratching your dog's ear.  I promise, you will sip the very essence of a beautiful moment.  My dog looks shy in the picture because she is naked, not because the beer isn't wonderful.

Second glass is poured.  I want to evaluate the flavors as they happen, but I don't know that when I take that sip, I will be able to care.  I like drinking this beer.  I don't want to over-think it, just live it.  Stream of consciousness it is!  smoke, cold-fizz, camp fires, woods, pecans, sleeping in a hammock, steak, bar-b-que.

That is it!  Liquid bar-b-que.  I realize that sounds disgusting.  Drink the beer anyway, and be connect with all things manly.  This beer could be a lumberjack.  If it was a different color, it would be plaid, on flannel.  Buy this beer, rent a dog, watch the sun set, reconnect with something necessary in all our lives.  Just don't look at the label.