Texian Brewing Co., Summer Sandia Watermelon Wheat

Who can't appreciate a great bad idea?  Wouldn't it be fun to roll down this hill?  Lets challenge the cops to a drag race!  Hey everyone, I brought bath salts!  I'm-a put watermelon juice in my beer!  Delightfully wacky ideas, everyone has a great time.  I'm kidding, obviously.  Yes, try the bath salts, but keep your watermelons and beers separate.  That's just common sense.

"I'm-a put watermelon juice in my beer!"

~Someone at Texian Brewing Co.

Like most people, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I love most about beer.  Clearly, it is the essence of malted beauty.  Yeast is man's greatest domesticated pet.  Its liquid state makes it perfectly accessible via my mouth.  It unlocks bonus dance moves and gives me +2 to charisma.  And, not to be overlooked, has no fucking watermelon in it.  I'm from Texas.  I love watermelon.  Watermelon is part of the soul of summer, and so is beer.  It therefore makes sense to keep them utterly separate.  Unless, that is, you are in Richmond, Texas, where bad ideas go to for $5 handies.

Meet Texian Brewing Company's Summer Sandia Watermelon Wheat.  A seasonal offering meant to evoke the ideal drive through the Texas landscape punctuated with stops at roadside watermelon stands.  A lovely thought in honey-amber.  22 fl oz with an unstated ABV of wheat ale into which has been dumped a bucket of watermelon juice.  What assholes.

Steak and ice cream. Movies and conversation.  Naps and bonfires.  Orgasms and freshly cut grass.  Watermelon juice and wheat beer.  Not all great things go great together.

I knew this had to be terrible when I saw it on the shelf.  How could it not be?  Surely, no one would ever conceive of such a union, much less convince someone else it was a good idea.  But, like the second person to get a circumcision, people can be talked into anything.  So, there it was on the shelf, there I am looking for different and unique, and I love a great bad idea.  So, I buy it, bring it home, pour a glass, bottoms up, and down the rabbit hole we go.

It was a bad idea.  I have regrets.

I remember a time before I tasted this beer.  Back then I still thought of myself as a good person.  I was capable of acts of beauty and kindness.  I deserved the love of a good woman.  I contributed to the betterment of society.  No more.  Now I must be scum, shunned by polite society, embraced only by the skinniest of hipsters, the surliest of Australians, the most successful of bankers, and the rest of the cream of the scum soup of humanity.  But, shed no tears for me.  I strayed from the good path into the watermelon patch of shame.  

Tom Hall sang about old dogs, children, and watermelon wine.  Thank god he never had the beer.  When I am old and flatulent(er), I don't think I'll look back on this bottle with fondness and nostalgia.  Hate.  I'll look back on this bottle with white-hot hate.  I feel like something important has been stolen from me and replaced with this changeling beer.  For fuck's sake they put watermelon juice in beer!  Why would anyone be so cruel?  I bet this is what despair tastes like.

Hoping to die horribly, I tried a sip after a bit of almond biscotti.  Sadly the flavors of the beer were neither transmuted nor simply muted, and then my mortal coil failed to shuffle (merely two-stepped).  If you're wondering what this beer taste like, simply buy a delicious watermelon agua fresca, and a mid-range wheat beer, combine them 1:4, take a fistful of sleeping pills, and chug that mother down.  I'm kidding.  The real stuff doesn't have that satisfying of a finish.

None of this is a surprise to anyone.  I knew what I was getting myself into.  You read the title and made an accurate assumption.  The brewers sacrificed a two-headed goat to their cloven demi-god and got what they asked for.  

An unholy, Richmond-defining, waste of all things good in the world, including anyone who drinks it.

Les Fleurs Du Mal

Les Fleurs Du Mal (The flowers of Evil)

What a name!  And its got skulls on it, and a scribbly pen kind of text, and crappy flower drawings, and "evil"!   Ooooooh... Stick a fork in me.  Make it a pitchfork.  Taking this guy off the shelf was a no-brainer, it looks way cool.  So, who wants to try a "saur" beer?  

Les Fleurs Du Mal, from New Braunfels Brewing Company.  16.9 oz, 5.74%ABV.  Honey-straw in color with a pleasing but brief head. Hefenweizen? Saur ale?  Saur wheat ale?  I dunno, s'beer I think.

I love the name of this beer.  The design of the label is pretty kick-ass, too.  Tucked up on the left edge of the label it says, "sans cesse a mes cotes s'agite le demon" or, according to Google translate, "always by my side stirs the demon."  Then, like I said, about the skulls and inky pen letters, and half-assed flowers, it is mostly good good stuff.  Even the company logo is pretty spiffy.  But they ruin it with some bull-shit text about good and evil, and why they put lemongrass in the beer.  I read it, and now I am questioning the way I decide to spend my time.  I won't write it out, but it's crap (there is a picture at the bottom, but don't look at it).  Also, it has some weird capitalization choices going on.  I've spent some time looking at it now, and all I can see is that stupid blah-blah crap now.

For context, New Braunfels is a dull town.  Once a year they have an out-of-this-world pork chop on a stick, but the rest of the time, its is just a bathroom-stop on the way somewhere better.  So, I can understand if they were bored and thought no one would notice the vomit-stain of text on part of the label.  Still, though... what a way to ruin an otherwise terrific label.  I'm not trying to insult New Braunfelians, mind you.  Those people know they live in a shit-hole tourist trap.  Power to 'em, I say.  I'll even grant you they have some very accommodating bathrooms located right off the highway.  All the same, making poor decisions about where to live does not excuse polluting an otherwise solid beer label with that crap.  

The beer, though... the beer is surprisingly drinkable.  I'm not usually a fan of the sour beers, but kudos to those guys.  Sip one was a bit of a punch, but this stuff grows on you super quick.  It has this kind of floral sweet/tart thing going.  There is very little of what I usually go for in a beer to be found in this bottle, but, damn, I really like it.  It isn't so much a contemplative beer as it is a fantastic beer for just tasting.  It makes you want to be a snotty-snot and start talking about hints of this and notes of that.  I'm feeling excited to get to glass 2, and I can't even blame the wimpy ABV.  Still, as much as I am enjoying this, I think I might enjoy it more if I was illiterate.  I really hate that stupid text block.  I should keep drinking and see what happens.

Glass 2 and the snotty-snot tasting time.  First the smells: a big sour tinge, just after the sour comes a mildly floral balsamic vinegar, then a bit of that lemongrass they ham-fistedly mentioned.  Now the taste: cool and tingly bubbles become dried apricots and sour cherry, then a wave of vinegar, all while honey sits Fonzie-esque in the back and just hints at its presence.  All of this happens in a field of summer wild flowers while eating a caprese salad.  I know that right now, you and I both kind of want to punch me in the face for saying that, but try the beer.  It could make a lousy poet out of anyone.  The overall effect of a sip of this beer is an electrical storm on a sunny day.  Maybe that is why they throw out all this "evil" and flowers with skulls.  It makes a kind of sense.

I gave this brewery a lot of crap about their label and about being from New Braunfels, but, to be fair, they deserved it.  However, they have made a really good beer.  It is a saur that I could drink a six pack of (if it comes in six packs).  The last time I had a saur beer I would have liked to kill it with fire, also the saur before that, and the one before that too.  Me and this beer, thought, we're friends.  Despite our many faults we like each other and get along great.  Way to brew New Braunfels!  I wonder if they would let me visit the brewery?  I bet their bathroom is great.

Perle ai Porci Oyster Stout

Adorable little piggies are not just for breakfast anymore!  Isn't that great?  I had felt so limited.  Plus, oysters and clams are now useful for more things than just trying to score.  It seems that modern science had finally combined a picture of a piggy, oysters, clams, and beer into just beer.  I then combined that beer with my face, and now I'm gonna tell you all about it.

Take a second, right now, to scroll down and look at the picture. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Did you see it?  The piggy?  She's all monocular and dressed for a night out.  What you saw there is a prime example of a damn fine, eye-catching beer label.  Now, I'm 80% certain that no such pig exists in real life, but when have I ever let real life get in the way of my beer drinking?  Correct, madam.  Never!  I believe in this pig, even though she cannot fly, and is just an ordinary pig.  Seriously, this beer could have been absolute crap, or worse, empty, and I would still have enjoyed it just for the pig on the label.

As for the label, the content is boiler plate, blah blah blah, recycle, blah blah blah, surgeon general.  But the rest is inspiring.  The shape of the label, the colors and care taken with the art, the funky bottle with its embossed brewer's logos, and a portrait of a pig, severe yet comic in its handling, with text gracefully hugging the contours of the shield-like pig-frame...  I am in romantic love with this logo, and we are going to be happy together dammit.  The children will be raised Jewish for obvious reasons.  I like the label is what I'm saying.

Perle ai Porci (Pearls Before Swine) Oyster Beer from Birra Del Borgo, Borgorose, Italy (Birradelborgo.it if you nasty).  5.5%ABV in an 11oz bottle.  "Ale brewed with oysters and clams."  Pretty dark, mostly un-foamy, and a cute little piggy.  We're a couple.

I've been sipping away at the first glass while writing this (which explains and excuses all grammatical mistakes), and I like it.  It is smooth and deep, but doesn't have a real big flavor oomph.  It is an easy-going beer, drifting along and taking its time.  It has a bit of sourness and a heavy malt, but I don't taste anything of the oysters and clams.  No brine, no seafood flavor, no smell of the ocean.  The flavors are familiar and good.  This is a solid stout, well constructed and delivers an easy satisfaction to my face.  You'd probably like it too.

I spent some time in Italy, and, while there, I spent some money in Italian bars.  Italians, in general, drink shit beer.  Horrible, waste-of-a-glass beer.  So when I see the name of this beer, and I taste it, I can only think the Porci in question are the beer drinkers of Italy.  Certainly not me.  I'm awesome and people like me.  My beer-pig significant other told me so.  If I were Italian beer drinking swine, would that still make this beer the pearls?  Would this beer be the pearls cast before swine?

The second glass held no surprises.  The flavors did not open up and the aromatics remained as they were.  And that's OK.  The smells are of a sweet chocolate and the first tastes are of rich malt and a hint of Mexican chocolate.  Then comes the acidity and a mild sourness, but pleasantly.  Maybe even a hint of tart grapes.  A very drinkable beer.  With a touch of sour grapes.

But, Perle ai Porci?  That is a bold claim, even for an Italian.  In Italy, this may be the perle, but here, now, for me?  No.  As I said, I'm awesome.  For me, this is birra a ubriachi (questionably according to google translate).  I like it, though, and it likes me.  We've got a good thing going.

Lake Monster "unfiltered"

I look forward each week to writing this blog.  I have a process that I get a kick out of: first I pick a store that I know has a decent beer selection (often my local HEB), then I scour through the onesies for something that meets my criteria (never had it before, looks interesting or unique, and won't break the bank), it gets home and goes straight into the fridge, before the week is out, I find a quiet few hours, grab my favorite reviewing glass, crack my beer open, pour, take a pic, then take a sip.  There is some crap about reviewing the beer in blog form after that, but that part is mostly bullshit anyway and not worth wasting time on.  The thing I was thinking about while taking that first sip today was the pure joy I get from this process.  I don't know about you, but, for me, taking the first sip of a new beer is like remembering that things aren't all bad.  The beer may be great or it may suck balls, but the worst thing that happens at that moment is that I get to try a new beer.  Plus, little known fact, if you blog about the beer you drink, the calories don't count and it improves muscle tone.

"So, I got that going for me."

                      ~C. Spackler

This week's beer got my attention (and became the first canned beer I've reviewed) by a notable absence, any kind of helpful description of its contents, what-so-ever.  The can says "Lake Monster/Unfiltered/Produced one batch at a time".  So many questions... What the hell kind of beer is in this can?  Why won't they tell me?  "Unfiltered" what?  Why is "OTXBC" spelled out in stars?  I have to have answers.  Too many secrets.

So OTXBC stands for Oasis Texas Brewing Company.  That's an easy one.  Meet, Lake Monster (Unfiltered), a dark, creamy, and outwardly undescribed beer.  There is no notation of ABV, type of beer, flavors, or any other damn thing.  All we learn from the label is that it has single-batched pride, comes in a 16oz can, and finally an ominous warning that "Lake Monster be not for the faint of heart. It pushes the boundaries of the brewers art."  The label has some fancy art bits, paying homage to its titular creature, the spooky night-ness of its referenced genre, some iconic water towers, some Austin bats, a UFO, and general what-nots.  There is a lot of fun in a beer label that wants to be a 50's monster movie.  Doesn't give away much about the beer, though.  It seems all the answers to this mystery can only be found... within.

The first sip of this beer is pretty good stuff.  I have to admit, I wasn't expecting a good beer.  I generally think that a beer that doesn't want to describe its self most likely has a reason to hide (Dr. Doom style shame?).  But it is rich and dark and creamy and smooth.  Oooh, also there are many bubbles.  Really good bubbles.  The only problem I have with this beer is that it's what I would call a "Bar Beer", the kind of beer best enjoyed saddled up to a bar, a jukebox playing, dimly lit, with some god-dammed peanuts!  I cannot fully enjoy a beer like this without some honey-roasted peanuts.  All I have with me are some fantastic, but not quite perfect, sugared peanuts from Singapore, sweet but not salty.  This damn Lake Monster will put its grippy tentacles on you and make you crave sweet salty freedom.  I would be in pure bliss if only my room wasn't as well lit ,my chair not so comfy, and my sweet nuts saltier.

British "people", I have heard, drink their beer at room temperature for a number of reasonable reasons, but I like my beer cold, Hoth cold (I know).  Cold beer is like an unsolicited wink from a sexy stranger, it just makes you feel good.  As darker beers warm up, they give up richer aromas and flavors and I'm two glasses and several degrees warmer into this one.  It is still cooler than room temp, though, (so I'm not British gross or nothin') when player 2 enters the game.  Suddenly nuts.  Well... nuttiness.  After eating a handful of peanuts, I taste a distinct nutty aroma.  I also taste everything one might expect to find in a stout or a porter or a Lake Monster.  It is dark and malty, but instead of the familiar metallic tinge there is a nice alcoholic vapor that lingers in my mouth.  Booze, malt, cream, caramel, and bubbles make this a solid sipper.  

Whatever the ABV of this beer is, it is a heavy hitter.  I'm feeling it at oz 14.  So, go, when you find a moment to slip away, and find a bar that serves this beer.  Sip is quietly and play something good on the jukebox, and think fondly of my sweet (but not salty) nuts.

13th Centure Grut Bier

Sometimes you see something truly interesting on the local beer shelf.  You think to yourself, "Why not? I dare do all that may become a man."  It was in that Shakespearean moment that I read the following on a strange and interesting bottle:
   
     "Grut bier has roots in many cultures and each culture has it's own 'special ingredients': Egyptians, Native      Americans, Arabian Tribes, Gaulles, Germanic Tribes and the Vikings.
     This interpretation of a traditional Grut Bier is spiced with Lorbeer (bay leaves), Ingwer (ginger),                    Kummel (caraway [...]), Anis (anise [...]), Rosemarnin (rosemarie) & Enzian (gentian).  It is brewed with      water, wheat & barley malt.  "Polinated wild hops" and fermented using top fermenting yeast."

So of course I had to try it.  I tried it for myself, so that I would know, and for the world, so that you would know too.  One of us really got the short end of the stick on this deal.

So, here we have the 13th Century Grut Bier, sold in a 1 pint bottle, 4.6% ABV, from the good Dr. Fritz Briem in Munich.  A light straw colored ale, with a rapidly fading head.

As is my way, glass number 1 is a just-drink-it-and-see glass.  I had no idea what to expect from this one.  The label offers no real clues aside from the flavoring ingredients.  As reading a bread recipe won't give most people an idea about the taste, so too was the list quoted above unhelpful for divining the flavor I was about to experience.  However, if the person in charge of copy for the label had just written the following in big bold letters, I think I would have gotten the general idea: "IT TASTES LIKE HATE-FUCKING A GRAPEFRUIT".  I'm sure there is a reason some recipes are forgotten or lost.  I don't think the world was worse off for moving on from this concoction.  In all fairness, by the bottom of the glass, I was feeling much less assaulted and ready to give it a real think.

Glass 2, and what I found there.  The citrus is first and foremost.  That poor grapefruit I spoke of earlier will darken my soul forever.  But, I really want to see if I can weed out that list of ingredients.  Bay leaves: a hint, but not of the dried leaves so much as the subtle change the leaves produce in a soup, a slightly tangy, richness.  Ginger: the ginger parties with the citrus and makes itself known (not the life of the party but clearly brought a gift).  Caraway seeds: I have no idea what those taste like, pass.  Anise: nope, can't taste it.  Rosemarie & gentian: does anyone know what those are, much less what they taste like?  The big-boy flavor of this beer has to come from the wild hops.  I don't know why it had to be in quotes on the label, but there must be a reason aside from an warehouse sale on printer's marks. Maybe they meant to use air-quotes.

Grapefruit and some other stuff, that is what I taste.  But, mostly this beer is shit.  Don't drink it.  Don't seek it out.  If it finds you, run.  If it catches you, use the cyanide pill implanted in your molar.  Remember the tooth, but let's hope it doesn't come to that.  Until next time, be safe, keep your guard up, then don't drink this beer.

Hollows & Fentimans Alcoholic Ginger Beer

Socrates famously said, "I drank what?!"  Boy, did he know what he was talking about.  This week, bravely, I tried something new, Hollows & Fentimans [no apostrophes] Alcoholic Ginger Beer.  I chose if for two reasons: first, it looked so lonely up there on the shelf next to all those other bottles, and secondly, it would be a first (#wordplay).  Before the mobs are formed, torches sharpened, and pitchforks set ablaze, let me assure you that I mean you no harm.  This was a gamble.  I live for adventure.

Hollows & Fentimans Alcoholic Ginger Beer. 1 pint bottle. 4%ABV. A product of the UK.  Golden, fizzy, probably soda, definitely not beer.

I let the cat out of the bag a little early there, but it needed to be addressed.  This might be a naturally carbonated wine, but the lack of any kind of a cereal grain means that this is NOT beer.  The back label has a clue:
     "Hollows & Fentimans Alcoholic Ginger Beer is made using a time-honoured [limey-word for "honored"]       recipe from just five ingredients: Ginger Root, Water, Sugar, Pear Juice & Yeast."
To me, that is wine, and I'm sure there are many reasonable arguments to be made for the opposite view as well. However, I doubt those arguments would be  made by anyone who had a sip.  I'll put it to bed like this, it might be beer, it might be wine, it might be neither or both of those, but it definitely is soda.  I like soda (it makes my liquor fizzy).

On the shelf, the bottle caught my eye for a number of reason worth mentioning.  The general style of the label seems to be made from ground up hipsters, it could be PBR's fat cousin. The use of what-the-fuck blue is both bold and sleep-inducing.  They seem so insistent on the blue, I wonder if it is a private joke that no one let me in on.  In fact, you can only know it is not an imitation if it's "signed in blue".  That "Beware of imitations" get two mentions on the labels.  Maybe I'm naive, but I have never seen any other alcoholic ginger beer, much less one that tries to pass itself off as Hollows & Fentimans.  Now I want to go the booze shop and see an identical bottle with the signature in beige, or lime green, just so I will know it's bullshit.

A lot of what is going on with this label seems like an inside joke.  Take a look down below, they have some crazy shit on there.  On the front, the label screams in all caps, "BOTANICALLY BREWED WITH THE FINEST NATURAL GINGER ROOT!"  I would assume the all caps was just a text style choice, but, then the exclamation point.  This label just yelled at me like a crazy person.  Throw in the other important information points like being gluten-free, botanically brewed since 1905, was "established in a perfect factory in the north of England, and you will likely miss the most important bit.  Whatever you do, in this life or this drink, do not totally miss the tiny text at the bottom telling you to "upend before pouring for full enjoyment."  I stood on my head for an hour, worth it.  Actually, that bit is so inconspicuous I didn't even notice it was there until glass number 2, the tasting glass.

Ginger, lots of ginger (although, maybe not enough) are what this booze brings to the table.  Also, some pear, and sugar... basically all the crap on the ingredients list.  It's there, all very tastable-n-stuff.  In many ways this a very very slightly boozed up olde-tymey ginger-ale.  It's still just soda.  Tasty soda, but soda (with a wacky label).  That's it.

I write a whole mess of lines about the label, and a few scraggly words about how it tastes.  Take it as you will.  I stand by my review.  If the mood takes you, give it a try.  It's pretty OK, but don't rush out.  This kind of hooch is reserved for the spur-of-the-moment purchase only.