Bastogne La Truffette Belledete

"Ew."

This week I am joined by my friend and beer brewing partner, Omar (Omargeddon on G+ and facesbook). We are drinking a bottle we found that looked to have a lot of potential, but ended up simply begging the question: does being a summer wheat beer excuse an un-enjoyable taste if imbibed in winter?  And, I'm with Omar on this one when I say "no".  No sir, I don't like it.

-Swish, swirl, stare, sip, ponder, say, "I think this horse was diabetic."

                                      -A Witty Person

-It's like concentrated Miller Lite-

                                      -Omar

Bastogne La Trouffetee Belle d'ete, a summer wheat with coriander and orange peel.  Brewed at Brasserie de Bastogne, Belgium. 1pint, 9.4 oz, 5.7% ABV. Golden amber with a modest head.

The label is pleasing and features an ugly wood-block boar, evocative of Asian shadow puppets. Why?  Because Belgium, that's why.   The whole look is fun, but not special.  In a bold move  the label offers the e-mail address, info@brasseriedebastogne.be, so, if you have questions (or dick-pics) have fun with that.  Perhaps they would like to see your bottle and cork?

Our opinion is that this beer is crap.  I mean that nicely.  Nice, nice, crap.  Don't drink it.  It's probably low-carb.  Who knows, this swill might be organic or some shit.  At first sip, there is bitterness and a sharp chill.  The advertised coriander and orange peel make themselves known, followed by... disappointment.  Do you remember in that one episode of Better Off Ted, when they have the guy taste testing the lab-grown meat, and they ask him what it tastes like?  He responds, "...despair?"  I'm not saying this beer tastes like despair.  I'm saying Omar nailed it with concentrated Miller Lite.  

The taste break-down... well, I don't care.  It is gross and I don't want to think about it.  I'm sure there are many many good and honest people who might drink this and enjoy it whole-heartedly.  But, that ain't me.  And it ain't Omar.  So, to all those people: good news, you can have mine.

Should you find yourself in a back-alley drinking contest against the Germans, and it all comes down to this final chug, feel free to forget to spin the boot.  Yes, you will lose and be lame forever, but at least you won't have to finish a glass of this shit.

Working Stiff Ale

Long day? Overwrought? Stressed? Well, gowdamit, drink! According to this beer, you need to drink this beer.  After all, nothing caps off a long day of sobriety and meaningful contributions to society like a pint of ironic ale.

Working Stiff Ale from Texas Big Beer Brewery in Buna, Texas.  1 pint 6 oz bottle.  6.6% ABV. Golden amber.  Still no foamy goodness after the first 30 seconds (why do they deny me?).

I like a good beer as much as the next guy.  Who wouldn't?  Especially if you are standing next to me!  So, you know how in movies and on the TV people will go to bars and ask for "a beer" (?!?) and the gruff bartender will slide them a tall cool frosty mug of some amber goodness?  This is what that beer should taste like.  It isn't magnificent.  It isn't special.  It is exactly what it needs to be in order to be a solid after-work beer.

The label depicts an alcoholic burying his work ethic, and the name dares you to wonder if he took Viagra before he got to the work site that day.  It asserts that its influences are the pub ales of 1800's London, with their lightness and balance and hops and blah blah blah... whatever, who cares.  Drinking time.

Not a lot to say, really.  This is, as it claims to be, a well balanced, light, drinkable, nice beer.  They made a solid damn beer.  Drink it, you'll see.  It isn't super costly.  Neither is it hard to find.  But.. hrm...

You know what? While this is certainly a damn decent beer, and I am enjoying drinking it, don't buy one for yourself.  Drink it on someone else's dime.  Unless you are just dying to know what this tastes like, you can live a long and full life without ever spending your own money on this good beer.  In a nutshell, while this beer is nothing to write a blog about, it is also one of the few beers I've put in my face that I have absolutely no complaints about either.  So, drink it or don't, it is a no-lose scenario.

13th Centure Grut Bier

Sometimes you see something truly interesting on the local beer shelf.  You think to yourself, "Why not? I dare do all that may become a man."  It was in that Shakespearean moment that I read the following on a strange and interesting bottle:
   
     "Grut bier has roots in many cultures and each culture has it's own 'special ingredients': Egyptians, Native      Americans, Arabian Tribes, Gaulles, Germanic Tribes and the Vikings.
     This interpretation of a traditional Grut Bier is spiced with Lorbeer (bay leaves), Ingwer (ginger),                    Kummel (caraway [...]), Anis (anise [...]), Rosemarnin (rosemarie) & Enzian (gentian).  It is brewed with      water, wheat & barley malt.  "Polinated wild hops" and fermented using top fermenting yeast."

So of course I had to try it.  I tried it for myself, so that I would know, and for the world, so that you would know too.  One of us really got the short end of the stick on this deal.

So, here we have the 13th Century Grut Bier, sold in a 1 pint bottle, 4.6% ABV, from the good Dr. Fritz Briem in Munich.  A light straw colored ale, with a rapidly fading head.

As is my way, glass number 1 is a just-drink-it-and-see glass.  I had no idea what to expect from this one.  The label offers no real clues aside from the flavoring ingredients.  As reading a bread recipe won't give most people an idea about the taste, so too was the list quoted above unhelpful for divining the flavor I was about to experience.  However, if the person in charge of copy for the label had just written the following in big bold letters, I think I would have gotten the general idea: "IT TASTES LIKE HATE-FUCKING A GRAPEFRUIT".  I'm sure there is a reason some recipes are forgotten or lost.  I don't think the world was worse off for moving on from this concoction.  In all fairness, by the bottom of the glass, I was feeling much less assaulted and ready to give it a real think.

Glass 2, and what I found there.  The citrus is first and foremost.  That poor grapefruit I spoke of earlier will darken my soul forever.  But, I really want to see if I can weed out that list of ingredients.  Bay leaves: a hint, but not of the dried leaves so much as the subtle change the leaves produce in a soup, a slightly tangy, richness.  Ginger: the ginger parties with the citrus and makes itself known (not the life of the party but clearly brought a gift).  Caraway seeds: I have no idea what those taste like, pass.  Anise: nope, can't taste it.  Rosemarie & gentian: does anyone know what those are, much less what they taste like?  The big-boy flavor of this beer has to come from the wild hops.  I don't know why it had to be in quotes on the label, but there must be a reason aside from an warehouse sale on printer's marks. Maybe they meant to use air-quotes.

Grapefruit and some other stuff, that is what I taste.  But, mostly this beer is shit.  Don't drink it.  Don't seek it out.  If it finds you, run.  If it catches you, use the cyanide pill implanted in your molar.  Remember the tooth, but let's hope it doesn't come to that.  Until next time, be safe, keep your guard up, then don't drink this beer.

Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer

Mouthful.  In the quaint parlance of the 90's, this beer is a mouthful "to the max".  Word up, people.

Mouthful #1, the name: Aecht Schlenkerla Urbock, or Aecht Schlenferla Rauchbier <ges. gesch> Urbock, or Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer.  I have no idea what this beer is called.  It really could be any of several German things written on the label, or all of them. I don't speak German, but I do drink it.  When I drink this, it is still a mouthful.

As I stated, this beer is likely called Original Schlenkerla Smokebeer (google tranlsate has no friggin idea what any of it means, except that "Rauchbier" means "smokebeer"), comes in a 1 pint bottle, 6.5%ABV, brewed and bottled in Bamberg, Germany.  It is a dark, semi-opaque amber, and has just a little lingering foam after a minute.

The label is the kind of horrible shit you would expect to see on a sign at an Oktoberfest booth (in Texas).  In an earlier blog I confessed my love of old parchment and what not, but here we see a prime example of not to do parchment and scroll.  With its overly manuscript-y type and half-assed curled page, I feel like the designer barely contained their contempt for the eventual viewer.  Most of the words on the front label dissolve into a puddle of unidentifiable letters and lines, shoe-horned onto a bad stage-prop.  I cannot disparage this label enough.  As a beer-drinker, I'm offended.  As a designer, I'm outraged.  There is even a strange "Yay, Drunkie" wax seal that seems to say, "The Choice of Hobo Tramps Everywhere".  And, really, what the hell is the name of this beer?

There ends the problems I have with this beer,and brings me to Mouthful #2.  Sweet Jesus, this beer is good.  Finger-lickin' good.  Smokey, dark, malty, nutty, dense,... Leave it to the Germans: this beer is the real deal.  In addition to the usual photo of the bottle and pour, I have included a second photo.  Scroll down and see my dog Tofu.  She is necessary to this review, because this is the kind of beer you have to drink with your dog.  If you have a dog, you probably know what I mean.  If you don't have a dog, go buy this beer, take a sip, then go rent a dog, and try the beer again.  You'll understand.  This beer is so rich of an experience, you need to have a quite drink, just you and your dog, to fully appreciate all it has to offer.  Don't drink this at a bar, with friends, or in a well-lit room.  Wait for sunset, pour your glass, get your dog, settle in on your front step, and take a drink while scratching your dog's ear.  I promise, you will sip the very essence of a beautiful moment.  My dog looks shy in the picture because she is naked, not because the beer isn't wonderful.

Second glass is poured.  I want to evaluate the flavors as they happen, but I don't know that when I take that sip, I will be able to care.  I like drinking this beer.  I don't want to over-think it, just live it.  Stream of consciousness it is!  smoke, cold-fizz, camp fires, woods, pecans, sleeping in a hammock, steak, bar-b-que.

That is it!  Liquid bar-b-que.  I realize that sounds disgusting.  Drink the beer anyway, and be connect with all things manly.  This beer could be a lumberjack.  If it was a different color, it would be plaid, on flannel.  Buy this beer, rent a dog, watch the sun set, reconnect with something necessary in all our lives.  Just don't look at the label.